omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
