My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
