if you like me you must not know who I am
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
