So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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