I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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