i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
