had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
