I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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