Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
