I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
