The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
