can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
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