So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
