You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
