vagina is talking i cant
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
