twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
