a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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