My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
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