I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
