Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
