Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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