Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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