I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
