I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
