Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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