you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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