I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
