Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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