I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
