Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
