i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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