Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
