Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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