she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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