Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
