make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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