so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
