i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
