You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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