nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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