I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
