my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
