ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
