if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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