Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
