I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
