I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
