I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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