you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
