Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
