Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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