So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
