so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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