You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
