I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
