Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize