Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
