So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
