i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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