Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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