I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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