shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
