My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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