he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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