Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
